PARADOX - chapter [1.1.2]

When I looked at my phone screen it just showed a mere "hi" word.

Why have I been going this insane? I was looking for something to linger on.

My friend told me the following sentence "Dylan you need to chill a bit, you can't force love, it comes and it goes, when it's the right time you'll know".

How could I possibly know? I thought I'm going to be put in a lunatic house by then.

I was walking home; it was already far past 8 pm. Why would i work till this late hour?

I keep asking myself that question.

My answer is that I want to exhaust myself to death and come home only for the sleeping part.

Why would I do that? It's because I don’t have courage to face the real world, and I don't want to take days off in order to be with myself, stuck in my room with these 4 walls I hate.

I wanted to talk to my girl friend Jessie about this guy I became friends with.

The big part of me that is lingering for writing is due to boy's trouble mostly.

I've never been able to talk to boys causally, nor have I been in a relationship.

So eventually I feel really uncomfortable with guys, I can't point out the reason.

I guess I'm just this person that can't handle social interaction with guys.

So, back to my point – there this guy friend, I really liked him since he came to work at our company. I liked him as a person no more.

This guy is named Dan and he got married few months ago and unfortunately I couldn't attend his wedding, and I couldn’t bring myself to look straight at him due the shame that was eating me alive.

So after few months I finally felt that I forgave myself for not attending his wedding and that he as well didn't really care. The past few weeks I really enjoyed working with him.

I found myself being casual and when I was talking I was not thinking about each word before spilling them out.

 I felt like really happy for the time being, and I could not understand this feeling, I don't like the guy but I like him as a friend – it's spelled "chingu" in Korean, I love that word!

Ok back to the point, for the first time in my life I was having conversation with a guy and didn't feel distressed and felt that I was treated equally and it was like the best feeling ever.

I guess everyone is like that with their friends besides me, and I hope they appreciate this feeling, because it was the first time in my 23 year old of existence that I felt that I mattered and that I enjoyed talking to a person, like sincerely enjoyed the conversation.

So I guess my friend Jessie is right, you need to wait for the right momentum in life.

I hope that I won't make myself fall in love just to be in a relationship.