candleburn

It’s hard to make a decision when voices of people around you suggest countless additional ideas to contemplate about. There was a slight fear of being mocked for the idea of traveling to the same destination. You can’t help it but feel the pressure of others’ opinion on it: “Why would you go to the same place? there are so many other places to explore.” This question has been brought up to my attention, and it has made me feel quite doubtful. I knew I wanted to explore more places, but deep inside there was a lingering longing to go back to the place that I’ve once visited for a short while. Do I really want to go back? © Vera Tarlov The idea of the exploration of a far away destination in order to find yourself or your purpose is  a romanticized notion . Later on, you realize that exploring a new country would not bring you closer to your purpose. It can make you feel a bit calmer in a way, as I remember being in a state of a deep solace, I really felt alive.

With my travels, I figure out more about myself. I get irritated quickly, I judge quickly, I might keep expecting too much.  I wanted to find the sense of life, wanted to have a purpose for keep going. Yet again I feel purposeless and alone.  I feel alone even when I'm surrounded by people I know.  I feel so deadly alone that it sometimes suffocates me and sometimes breaks me apart. Seems like I do not know who I am, I do not have a sense of self. I walk along the street like a shadow or a passing wind.  I pass and walk into nothingness.  Routine once saved me. Now it is eating me alive.  I'm always angry, I'm angry because I'm always scared. I'm always sad. I can't handle my emotions.  Feels like I might explode.  My explosion is near and so far away.