candleburn

Lost inside my head. Utter confusion. It can seem that there's an entire day full of possibilities, but once you start to check off tasks from the daily mental checklist, it seems like you will never be able to get to the 2nd or 3rd item on the list, as the 1st item execution drains out your energy entirely. During work hours, I have managed to escape this beast that was tantalizing me on my days off. At work, it seemed like I was doing fine, I could focus on the daily tasks and finish most of them by the end of the day. Maybe in retrospect, I was not doing so well, I felt always so self-conscious and my clients managed to push me to my limits. I remember numerous occasions on which I raised my voice during conversations on the phone, which was not at all typical, and there were times I was crying the entire conversation and trying miserably to disguise it. Going forward, I was trying to analyze and understand what it is. I was scrolling through my Pinterest app, looking

With my travels, I figure out more about myself. I get irritated quickly, I judge quickly, I might keep expecting too much.  I wanted to find the sense of life, wanted to have a purpose for keep going. Yet again I feel purposeless and alone.  I feel alone even when I'm surrounded by people I know.  I feel so deadly alone that it sometimes suffocates me and sometimes breaks me apart. Seems like I do not know who I am, I do not have a sense of self. I walk along the street like a shadow or a passing wind.  I pass and walk into nothingness.  Routine once saved me. Now it is eating me alive.  I'm always angry, I'm angry because I'm always scared. I'm always sad. I can't handle my emotions.  Feels like I might explode.  My explosion is near and so far away.