candleburn

It has been a while that I've been cuddled hard by loneliness, Never have I never tried to look for an escape, Never have I wondered How to create An alternative dimension, It has been a while that, That I wished for the universe to give me another chance A  chance  of gaining my happiness again, I figured that all the stories I have told, All the stories that were swirling in my mind, All were my own assumptions, I've recreated the  situations, I've made my own alternative universe, A universe which led my life, You stroked my hair and told me, that everything is going to be alright, that you would be able to soothe my stress, that you would be able to take my pain away, I tried not to take your words for granted, But that's the very thing that I've done, I swirled more stories in my mind, I've had doubts, I've been frightened to my bones, Never realizing if it's ok, Ok to let my guards down, It's been  a while that,

Nightmares were not seeking me at nights Instead, I was being haunted during daytime My nightmares have been disguised as my real desires They say you're what your heart aspires But my mind took the matter into its own hands I woke up and never realized that I was never wide awake I woke up to see the sun fully shining It bleakly shone through me My only hope was to get one last sight Of how would my life had turned around If I were truly wide awake Ahead I saw your face, Yet I could not distinguish I could not make sense If that were your true self that was showing Or just your bleak self I am sorry, that I couldn't see it before I'm sorry for whatever I had said I had pushed you aside Without even realizing so Ascending higher the crooked stairs Your face had shown up I could not hold it inside no more I smiled and  wished That this time my mind won't intervene I kept going, Never realizing I was still soundly asleep

Lately, lots of thoughts have been swirling in my mind. There was an attempt to analyze my life and understand why the hell am I so fucked up, I mean I feel like my mind is literally breaking to pieces. Recently, I've figured out that I might be an Empath, I've been absorbing all of the emotions of people close and not that close, and I was drowning in their misery and slowly is also became my misery.

" Lonely is her favourite place to be When she feels the hurt she lets it bleed Sometimes Shes lost, sometimes Shes broken Sometimes Shes closed, sometimes Shes open Lonely is her favourite place to be"

With my travels, I figure out more about myself. I get irritated quickly, I judge quickly, I might keep expecting too much.  I wanted to find the sense of life, wanted to have a purpose for keep going. Yet again I feel purposeless and alone.  I feel alone even when I'm surrounded by people I know.  I feel so deadly alone that it sometimes suffocates me and sometimes breaks me apart. Seems like I do not know who I am, I do not have a sense of self. I walk along the street like a shadow or a passing wind.  I pass and walk into nothingness.  Routine once saved me. Now it is eating me alive.  I'm always angry, I'm angry because I'm always scared. I'm always sad. I can't handle my emotions.  Feels like I might explode.  My explosion is near and so far away.

It was a long and a rainy day. My friend and I went for a walk along the river that was just in front of our Airbnb apartment, Which was perfect for our short stay.