So Called Life - Chapter 10
The email was short. Only 3 sentences that tore my world apart, I didn’t know what to think or to feel, it was something bigger than me, I knew I had to make measures immediately, I grabbed my cell phone threw It to my hand bag and ran out of the house as silently as I could. I passed the trail between our houses, with my heart pounding so hard, it felt like it could suddenly burst from my body, but it didn’t.
He sat on the porch waiting for me I assumed, he knew I'll come, he knew me too well. I stopped and stared, he caught my eyes right away, the moment our eyes met, I knew it, and from the start I knew that what I buried deep inside is going to surface one day, sooner or later. I made some steps forward, and so did he, he got closer and stroked my hair, we were so close, I could smell his "Hugo Boss" perfume, my favorite one, he knew how much I liked it."I'm sorry Rose I should have found a better way to tell you this, but I couldn’t, the words I was going to say, I rolled it all in my mind, I planned everything, yet I chickened out. These words are simple, and now you know them.
First and foremost, you must know how much affection I felt towards you since the day I first saw you, second of all I tried my best to get to know you and to be by your side, third of all as much as it hurts, I have got to say these 3 simple words – I love you but I know you don’t and I can't fight in order to show you how much I really mean every word, only this single thought drains all of the emotions out of me, I'm leaving Rose, and I wanted to let you know that no matter how far I'm going to be I am never ever going to forget you, you're the best thing that happened to me, and you know that. The hot tears started pouring one by one, he looked at me saddened with the consequence of his own words, he said "please don’t cry, I never meant you any harm, really, please don’t cry, you know how sad it makes me to see you that way, all broken up and this time because of me, and you shouldn’t be really, you shouldn’t feel sorry for me, I know how much you like this guy, john, is that his name?, really I understand", I smiled at him and corrected him "you mean Josh? Right it's a hard to memorize name, I know. And you're really wrong, I'm the one who deceived myself, I always thought that I had feelings towards Josh, but I didn’t, I think I made myself like him on purpose, you know how can I be, you know that I'm strange, I guess I mislead myself by thinking that I liked Josh, but you know what I didn’t. I was fascinated by his mysterious actions and behavior, and yes I can't deny that I was attracted, he's a very handsome dude, but I've never really even liked him, I got to the point that I understood that I was blind and I couldn’t analyze the situation I've gotten myself into well. However, now I see, what feeling I tried to bury deep down inside, it was you that always caught me when I fell, you that knew how to cheer me up, it was you that hugged me the day I needed a hug but was afraid to say why. You never needed an approval to do something you just knew, that time I was so glad to have you, I felt that you're my second best friend, even though I knew there was something more, I denied it, I didn’t want to lose you, I didn’t want you to know how I felt, I didn’t want to lose our friendship, it meant too much to me, I took that risk, and only now I realize how wrong I was, I needed to follow my heart, but I was too afraid of the outcome. Josh was my comfort guy, someone I thought that could make me forget you, but I never forgot, as much as I tried to bury those emotions. I was frustrated I wanted to make myself like Josh, to fell in love with him, but I couldn’t make my heart love someone else, because it was already taken, taken by you."
He sat on the porch waiting for me I assumed, he knew I'll come, he knew me too well. I stopped and stared, he caught my eyes right away, the moment our eyes met, I knew it, and from the start I knew that what I buried deep inside is going to surface one day, sooner or later. I made some steps forward, and so did he, he got closer and stroked my hair, we were so close, I could smell his "Hugo Boss" perfume, my favorite one, he knew how much I liked it."I'm sorry Rose I should have found a better way to tell you this, but I couldn’t, the words I was going to say, I rolled it all in my mind, I planned everything, yet I chickened out. These words are simple, and now you know them.
First and foremost, you must know how much affection I felt towards you since the day I first saw you, second of all I tried my best to get to know you and to be by your side, third of all as much as it hurts, I have got to say these 3 simple words – I love you but I know you don’t and I can't fight in order to show you how much I really mean every word, only this single thought drains all of the emotions out of me, I'm leaving Rose, and I wanted to let you know that no matter how far I'm going to be I am never ever going to forget you, you're the best thing that happened to me, and you know that. The hot tears started pouring one by one, he looked at me saddened with the consequence of his own words, he said "please don’t cry, I never meant you any harm, really, please don’t cry, you know how sad it makes me to see you that way, all broken up and this time because of me, and you shouldn’t be really, you shouldn’t feel sorry for me, I know how much you like this guy, john, is that his name?, really I understand", I smiled at him and corrected him "you mean Josh? Right it's a hard to memorize name, I know. And you're really wrong, I'm the one who deceived myself, I always thought that I had feelings towards Josh, but I didn’t, I think I made myself like him on purpose, you know how can I be, you know that I'm strange, I guess I mislead myself by thinking that I liked Josh, but you know what I didn’t. I was fascinated by his mysterious actions and behavior, and yes I can't deny that I was attracted, he's a very handsome dude, but I've never really even liked him, I got to the point that I understood that I was blind and I couldn’t analyze the situation I've gotten myself into well. However, now I see, what feeling I tried to bury deep down inside, it was you that always caught me when I fell, you that knew how to cheer me up, it was you that hugged me the day I needed a hug but was afraid to say why. You never needed an approval to do something you just knew, that time I was so glad to have you, I felt that you're my second best friend, even though I knew there was something more, I denied it, I didn’t want to lose you, I didn’t want you to know how I felt, I didn’t want to lose our friendship, it meant too much to me, I took that risk, and only now I realize how wrong I was, I needed to follow my heart, but I was too afraid of the outcome. Josh was my comfort guy, someone I thought that could make me forget you, but I never forgot, as much as I tried to bury those emotions. I was frustrated I wanted to make myself like Josh, to fell in love with him, but I couldn’t make my heart love someone else, because it was already taken, taken by you."
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Chpater 10 1.2
I bailed on Danny. That was such an awful thing to do, but I never intended it to happen, I have never thought that Alex's email would make me forget everything and rush to his place. I never think before I do something, I promised, and I broke my promise, how could he ever trust me again?
Some point there was an article I've read once said, that friends don’t grow on trees, people should treat their friends the way they want to be treated themselves, I mean I always said to myself that I don’t need to cry over spilled milk, I mean over my actions, they happened, and there is nothing to do about them, but you see I feel like there's always a way, to change stuff, to correct them, I knew that I needed to make it up to Danny, we have known each other for years, since kindergarten.
There's a very special story about how we met there, that I could never ever forget.
I used to go to sleep in my kindergarten, our beds were close to each other, and there was a girl that was sleeping behind me. That time I had a very long flowing hair, and she always liked to pull my hair, and it was so painful, Danny saw her doing this one day, he wanted to laugh, but he stopped himself, instead he came to me after we had our lunch, and asked me to change our beds for one day. The next day we changed. And the girl hasn't noticed that, and when she was trying to find my long pony tail, she didn’t. She was sure I cut my hair or something, she felt so bad because, she thought I did it because of her, she was not meaning to make me any harm, she was a child, a very innocent kid, she has not thought of the outcomes, so when we woke up and went to have our lunch. That day we had pancakes with strawberry jelly, my favorite, when she saw me, she was in such deep shock, one minute I didn’t have my pony tail and the next second, I had it, she approached me, and asked how is that possible, and I said, that we wanted to teach her a lesson, and that I was not enjoying her rubbing my her all the time, she understood, and was really sorry. From that day Danny and I become very close friends, he was always there for me, like a brother I've never had. "So is that girl still bothering you? We can always put some of that ugly green cream my mother always puts on her face, I think she will get the point of it", I looked at him with this admiring look, "what point exactly?",then he strolled across the oven we played with, "the point that if she doesn’t stop, we will put some of that cream on her face, she would look like a dinosaur, like this Tyrannosaurus rex,we saw in that movie a week ago it looks so creepy, I guess that Shelby doesn’t want something similar on her face, she is so going to scare everyone here when she wakes up, that should be a funny thing to watch", he always had this strange ideas, but they were awesome, because they were somewhat unique. I hoped he would not put it on me I don’t want to look like t-rex.
I was so happy to finally clear my thoughts up about so many things that bothered me for such a long time, I have finally told Alex the truth, now he knows everything, but if it wasn’t for his words I'd never even have told him that, or have gotten to the assumption that what I told him is what is really felt, and all that love I felt towards Josh was just my hormones messing up with my logic and heart.
Alex was going to move to NY, so far away, I couldn’t believe it. His mom got a job there, and so they decided to move there, it wasn’t something they have been planning, it's just happened.
Isn't that ironical that the main guys in my life were meant to leave? I mean one guy didn’t leave in the end, but still Alex is going to.
Some point there was an article I've read once said, that friends don’t grow on trees, people should treat their friends the way they want to be treated themselves, I mean I always said to myself that I don’t need to cry over spilled milk, I mean over my actions, they happened, and there is nothing to do about them, but you see I feel like there's always a way, to change stuff, to correct them, I knew that I needed to make it up to Danny, we have known each other for years, since kindergarten.
There's a very special story about how we met there, that I could never ever forget.
I used to go to sleep in my kindergarten, our beds were close to each other, and there was a girl that was sleeping behind me. That time I had a very long flowing hair, and she always liked to pull my hair, and it was so painful, Danny saw her doing this one day, he wanted to laugh, but he stopped himself, instead he came to me after we had our lunch, and asked me to change our beds for one day. The next day we changed. And the girl hasn't noticed that, and when she was trying to find my long pony tail, she didn’t. She was sure I cut my hair or something, she felt so bad because, she thought I did it because of her, she was not meaning to make me any harm, she was a child, a very innocent kid, she has not thought of the outcomes, so when we woke up and went to have our lunch. That day we had pancakes with strawberry jelly, my favorite, when she saw me, she was in such deep shock, one minute I didn’t have my pony tail and the next second, I had it, she approached me, and asked how is that possible, and I said, that we wanted to teach her a lesson, and that I was not enjoying her rubbing my her all the time, she understood, and was really sorry. From that day Danny and I become very close friends, he was always there for me, like a brother I've never had. "So is that girl still bothering you? We can always put some of that ugly green cream my mother always puts on her face, I think she will get the point of it", I looked at him with this admiring look, "what point exactly?",then he strolled across the oven we played with, "the point that if she doesn’t stop, we will put some of that cream on her face, she would look like a dinosaur, like this Tyrannosaurus rex,we saw in that movie a week ago it looks so creepy, I guess that Shelby doesn’t want something similar on her face, she is so going to scare everyone here when she wakes up, that should be a funny thing to watch", he always had this strange ideas, but they were awesome, because they were somewhat unique. I hoped he would not put it on me I don’t want to look like t-rex.
I was so happy to finally clear my thoughts up about so many things that bothered me for such a long time, I have finally told Alex the truth, now he knows everything, but if it wasn’t for his words I'd never even have told him that, or have gotten to the assumption that what I told him is what is really felt, and all that love I felt towards Josh was just my hormones messing up with my logic and heart.
Alex was going to move to NY, so far away, I couldn’t believe it. His mom got a job there, and so they decided to move there, it wasn’t something they have been planning, it's just happened.
Isn't that ironical that the main guys in my life were meant to leave? I mean one guy didn’t leave in the end, but still Alex is going to.
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