So Called Life - Chapter 12

The time froze. I was approaching to the moment where I had to face my darkest secrets, I had to face myself.
Alex and I have been hanging out for a while now.
 I was frustrated, I didn’t have the answers for his questions, I was lost, and yet could not live another day without seeing him.
Suddenly I got it; it was right in front of me, the only answer I tried not to think of, as it was too rushed, I was sure that I couldn’t continue with my same routine life without hearing his voice as he gently whispers to my ears, his touch on my shoulders, it turned to be like oxygen to me.
I decided to do something; I won't let it end like that.
However, what can I do? I'm a senior and haven’t finished school, there's not much for me to do, I will never convince my parents that's obvious, they think that I'm crazy and that I'm going through this rebellious phase.My suitcases were ready, I saved up the money my grandmother used to give me for Christmas, I've plenty now,it'll be enough for some months. I'm going to find a job right away and maybe send some applications to college.He refused, he didn’t want to hear anything, he told me that it's too risky for me, and that I've to finish high school, I've to graduate.he knew he was right and so did i.He always could speak up what i desired to say and didnt havethe guts to say out loud.

I made my bed at 5 o'clock in the morning. Through the windows I could feel the dull air floating from the streets.I closed my eyes, I was wondering what is there that I can do. Found some clothes and put them on. I didn’t have the will to look up at the mirror, I got downstairs, to the kitchen and grabbed some cereals with a bowl, I couldn’t find the milk. Only then I remembered my mom telling me that we were in lack of milk and that she asked me to buy it and I simply forgot, just like that.

I heard a voice coming out of my cell phone. Alex logged in, should I talk to him? suddnely i had the urge to face him and speak what i have in mind, instead i ran out of the house with my slippers,my eyes soar with pain, because i was awake the whole night.

I was leaning on his porch, looking at the dawn. The reddish colors in the skies were changing theirs tones to deep orange and then yellow, the scenery in front of my eyes was mesmerizing.The wind brushed my hair, making it move softly with its direction.

The only image I could still have the strength to look at was the tree in his yard, the old olive tree that kept our secrets within. He didn’t know some things about me.I knew him from inside out.

He's loyal trustworthy and kind, not to mention that he was way too smart for me. He acquires a lot of abilities, he can play the guitar, and he loved scrabbles and much more things that fascinated me from the beginning.I'm on the other hand don’t posses any cool skill, I can't do nothing special, the only thing I was capable of is falling for others boys, that's about it, I don’t know anything, I don’t deserve his affection towards me.

He didn’t know that I loved him with every cell of my body yet I feared to lose him, and that fear grows by day.It tore me apart the fact that I was keeping it from him, the fact that I could not stay with him for longer time, and that I wanted to become an individual more than being near him. It's strange how this machine called life works.The moment I found someone I desire to be near, there's a bigger desire that I want to put my hand on, and it's to become myself and to find the area I want to be good in. I was so dragged in our relationship, that it becomes a struggle to understand what I want.

What if the thing you least expect to happen, has happened?
How are you going to react?
What if you were told that you're on step from achieving your dreams?

"Rose? Common wake up! Earth to Rose, girl do you hear me?"
I was in my happy place, why did someone need to wake me up, it was so beautiful, peaceful and calm like heaven. I looked up and saw nothing but the clouds above me. It was odd, for the first time in a long time I felt peace.
When I stood up, I saw the tree in front of me, the singing bird standing on the branch.
The memory was old and yet I recalled every detail. The tree was gone, my life continued. That magical moment gave me so much strength. Sometimes people don’t tend to stop for a moment and enjoy theirs selves, the world that was created for them. Few minutes had passed, and then I realized that Rachel was standing beside me." Good Grief! You've scared me a bit, you shouldn’t have done this".
"Has done what?" I looked at her, and saw her mortified expression.
I realized what she was talking about. I looked at my hand and saw blood dripping.
I was not sure what happened. Then it hit me that my grip was so hard on my hand that I scratched myself near my veins. I calmed her and said that I was alright. But was I? I didn’t even feel the pain, I was numb, and losing Alex was the hardest things I had to do. Rachel noticed my agonized face, and put her hands on my shoulders. "Hun I understand what are you going through, you did the right thing by letting him go, you know that you weren't ready for what that happened, you acted wisely, you don’t have to be sad. But girl you scared me to death, you don’t do such things, understood? I love you, and I want you to be alright, I don’t want to pick up your pieces every time, you've to get over him".
I triend to reply, my lips moved with no sound.
Every time I tried to roll over the moment I broke up with him. I felt this crazy adrenaline that motivated me to write him a letter that says that I'm so sorry, and that I'm stupid. Still I could figure out the sense in Rachel's voice.
"So rose, what up with your poetry contest? Who won?"

I totally forgot the contest thing. Wow it has been like a month now? That I've not done anything about it.