So what stresses me out the most? Me, myself and I

The past few months were tough on me, the first weeks of 2018 were even tougher.

I felt like I was disappearing from this world.

Literally, I could wake up put some kind of show, I’d put some red lipstick, and dress according to my feelings and I looked ok, I looked like everything was fine.

The next day I was feeling disconnected.

I’ve not put a red lipstick for a while now.

It feels like I’ve given up on myself, it is sometimes hard to explain what I mean,

I hoped and wished for my trip to Korea and Japan to be cathartic, which indeed was in some way.

The points I want to point out that I don’t like and would like to change:

1. Being self-conscious
2. Being in a rush
3. Trying to achieve too many things at once
4. Lacking humor
5. Naive to the point it hurts
6. Afraid of myself, afraid of people around
7. Not able to look directly at strangers eyes
8. Making the same mistakes over again
9. Afraid of being alone
10. Afraid of interacting with other people

I guess the list can go on an on.

But mainly I think it is about me and people interactions, that’s what always had scared the hell of me, the interpretation of others of me.

I always thought of myself as an outsider, like I’m not like everybody else like I’m somewhat damaged goods.

I can’t dance, sing, make jokes, think of random cool answers, be interesting all time, tell funny stories and etc.

Last year, I couldn’t grasp the time, it flew by so quickly so I couldn’t stop and think of all that bothered me about myself, I also was surrounded by a group of people that never let me feel that way.

Now, time passed, and I feel those anguishing feelings again,

I feel like I’m not interesting enough, I’ve nothing to tell, I’ve no aspiration, I’m like a dead space, a black pixel on your monitor that you desperately want to get rid off but you can’t.