So Called Life - Chapter 9 the sequel 1.2

The day since our last conversation, I knew that it's going to be difficult.
The day I confessed to him, I felt something had changed.

"Hey Rose!" I heard from behind me, someone called me, but it felt so distant, far away, I felt my throat ache; I felt the urge to run without looking back.
He was there, just one foot in front of me, with this angelic posture I couldn’t take my eyes off of it. Josh stood still with that glorious smile of a victory, that second I knew he figured out what he wanted to tell me all along.
It was easy to analyze him. He was so mysterious and yet so reachable, I've been studying his every move for a year now. However, there was more for him to show me. "I know how to challenge you, it's much clear to me now, how come did not I come with that earlier?","geez I don’t know", I answered him.
"So Rose I think you should become my personal assistant and do whatever I ask you to do, if you handle that, we'll see what happens"
I didn’t know if it was the time to laugh out loud or stare at him with disbelief. It seemed so unreal the fact that he cared, that he talked to me. It was like a dream.
"Is that a trick question"? I asked, He answered by showing me his crooked smile. I knew that's one of a life time opportunity, even though I wanted to disagree, and to say no. All I could say is "oh ok", I wanted to sound indifferent, but it didn’t work out. "So I'm going to see you later, ok?", "Is that all for now? Is that my task to see you later"? I asked him, and he smiled by saying "Of course not, don’t be silly, Later on I'll give you your first task", "alright then, see you later" I said and then he waved at me and went to his way.
Only after a minute I realized that I stopped breathing, I was scared for a moment, and then I normalized my breath. I think next time he talks to me I'd not be able to come back to myself; someone is going to resuscitate me.

I couldn’t stop thinking about what the hell I got myself into, what was he thinking? Gosh boys are complicated!
When I headed to class I saw him cuddling with a girl I thought was his girlfriend, and at that moment, I felt how stupid I was. Despite that I'm going to complete my task I'm not a quitter I'm going to show him that he's the one who loses in the end, not me. The moment I entered the class I swear that from the corner of my eye I saw him smirking.

Today I was having Literature and then some math. During literature I tried not to look at him at all, even though it was hard to focus on the lesson when someone stares at you all the time. I didn’t get it, what the hell is his problem? Does he enjoy torturing me that way? I guess I'm going to find out that later on...
Mrs. Jackson saw that I was distracted, and told me to concentrate, like if it's ever going to happen, and then out of the blue she asks me "Rose what do you think HAEMON should have done differently in the play"?she meant "Antigone" by Sophocles , and I was so confused, I mean I didn't know what to answer, maybe to say that he should've tried not to kill himself with his own sword, gosh another trick question, so many in on day, I'm already sick of them, so I went on and answered "I think that he couldn’t do anything else, he was supposed to die, it was his purpose to teach his father a lesson, it supposed to be a tragedy, and unfortunately in tragedy there is never a happy ending".
She nodded to me, and went on with reading the play out loud, I sighed with relief, it's a good thing I read that play beforehand.

When the bell rang, I took a big breath and rushed to the library, I needed to count the number of people who had entered to my poetry contest, and well the number stood on 9, and with mine it was 10. 10 entries it isn't that bad, it could have been worse, ok it was hard to convince myself but 9 is better than nothing. As the matter of fact it will be even easier for others to choose which one they like most. Even though making people read them is going to be a much more difficult task than it seems.
As I was going up the stairs, I saw Josh, and he didn’t look as cheerful as in the morning, I hoped that maybe he'd forgot everything about the challenge and leave me alone. I mean I love the guy, but he can't push me to my own limits, he can't ask me something I'm not capable of. Despite all me negative feelings towards him that I felt at these few moments, my stupid self conscious made me to go after him to ask him what's wrong. When I followed him, I saw that he headed to where we had that small amphitheater behind the school; he skipped the stairs and went right away to my favorite bench, and took something out of his bag. Then it got me, he was in the mood for writing, maybe something happened and he wanted to write it down.
It wasn't for the first time that I saw him doing this. Some months ago I was strolling around the school, I saw him sitting there with his lose leaf binder in one hand and a pen in the other, as the sun rays touched his glorious face, and his hair sparkled, it was an unforgettable image. I knew that he was writing poems because I asked him some weeks later; I remember how delighted I was by the fact that we shared interests, even though he was much better in it than me.
Out of the sudden I felt brave enough to approach him and sit down at the corner of the bench. He looked at me still trying to understand what was I trying to do, and that was my time to smirk at him.
"Rose what are you doing?" he asked, "hmm I want to know what are you writing about, and why do you seem so upset, has something happened? In the morning you were pretty amused and was in the mood to torture me", I replied.
He took some minutes before he gave me an answer, so typical for him to do so, he was always so considerate, he was the only one between us who has thought before saying anything, I needed to learn how to do so, I marked to myself for the hundredth time.
"Rose why do you always bother me, when I just don’t have time for your childish behavior, I mean how could I even be next to someone like you, you're so self absorbed and you always think that everything is only has got to do with you, when do you realize that you're not the only one in the world, you need to stop being so self centered, and I mean it", I didn’t know what to think it hit me in my most weakest point. For the first time in my entire life I didn't feel like crying, I was really relaxed and even not mad. He was right, I tend to stick my nose everywhere, and I should not have cross the line I set to myself earlier. Now I've to encounter the consequences of my own steps. "You're right, so I think it's my time to get moving to class, bye", at the time I stood up, he reached out his hand and asked me to sit,
"I got it ok? I'm a horrible person I know, but I couldn’t see you like that, it hurts me too you know, I really should go, I'm not in the mood for listening to more preaching's of yours, and you've got plenty of them to tell me I suppose."
He looked at me; he seemed mesmerized for a moment, and then he carried on with what he had in his mind, "Rose you caught me off guard, It seems like you follow me everywhere, and it bothers me, a lot actually, I want some privacy, it seems like you want to know everything and right away. I can't give you the information you want, I am not the person you think I'm, I really try not to offend you here, but you give me no other choice", I took a deep breath and said, "what do you think I should do, see you suffer like that? Gosh I just confessed to you that I love you, is not that enough, it feels like you're my whole world, I don’t know it feels strange, I don’t know why is it got to be you, I was not the one to choose you, it just happened, I'm really sorry about that, but I can't do nothing, and you're no help either.
I mean I can't control my actions, I'm not like you, I don't think ahead, weighing the best options to choose from, I'm a girl, I get carried away with my feelings, and do stuff I can't control, sometimes they're bad, sometimes they're not", he smiled, the same smile that stops my heart from beating, "what am I going to do with you?, I'm confused myself at the moment. You keep surprising me, you don't seem like the girl I thought you're, you're different, you never got carried away like that, I wonder if is it me, that made you to change like that", "can't you just tell me why are you so upset?, tell me and I'll leave you alone for now", he looked at me again with that mysterious look he had " why do you think I'm upset? Maybe because I saw you following me, no offence though, I find it amusing, I just don’t know what your problem is, it feels like there's something more you want to tell me but keep for yourself", there was a short pause and the he continued "the thing is that nothing happened I just wanted to come here and write, as you already know I guess", I knew he was lying he always moved his eyebrows when he lied, then I said "I'm not stupid, I know when you're lying", he stared at me and answered "you're really good, and very observant I must add, yes something happened, and I don’t have to tell you anything, as my assistant I ask you not to snoop on me and ask unnecessary questions. In addition I want you to do something for me I want you to get me some food, here's the money, choose what you want, I'm starving, I really don’t mind what to eat, I could eat an elephant right now, so it really doesn’t matter", he smiled at me, and I felt relieved that he hasn’t asked me something else.
When I headed to the cafeteria to get some food, for Josh, I saw Rachel and Lisa sitting in the corner eating and gossiping I guessed, they called me and pointed to sit next to them but all I could say is "later", ok I shouted that, like they were interfering me while I was on my way to some important meeting. I think I'm going to explain that later or maybe not. On the way I met Danny, he looked kind of happy, I wondered what happened, he noticed me and screamed "Rose over here", like I've not seen him already, as I approached him, he was breathing heavily, he seemed so enthusiastic to tell me something, I wondered what."Rose have you heard?", now I was really curious, "Have heard what, Danny tell me, don’t hold it so long for yourself, dying from curiosity over here", he went one and said "So I guess you don’t know, by the way can I taste that delicious food you have there?", I frowned "DANNY!, tell me right now, and the food is not for me, so you don’t get even the chance to bite!", he showed me his puppy eyes like I'm going to change my mind about the food, and said "Josh is not going to leave!, he's staying!", I was paralyzed, I nearly dropped the food, so good that Danny was here to catch me before I felt, "Rose, are you ok?" he asked me and I started feeling dizzy and I guess I kind of fainted for the first time in my life, because the next time I opened my eyes I was in the nurse's room, smelling some kind of garlic or something like that. I heart Mrs.' Kimble voice, it was so soft and quite, for a moment I thought that I died and an angel was talking to me. However after few minutes I've started recognizing her face. Mrs. Kimble had round face, with those huge honey colored eyes, that whenever you looked at them you felt so peaceful and relaxed. "Miss Linder, you've fainted moments ago. How do you feel now? We just let you smell some alcohol if you wonder what that smell was."I'm fine I guess I'm alright thank you Mrs. Kimble I guess I need to go to class now." she looked at me with those big worried eyes and said "No missy you're going to relax now I want you to smell some fresh air and go home", I showed no signs of protest even though I wanted, she's so sensitive to other's people feelings and needs, I don’t want to hurt her in any way so I decided to follow her wishes. "Alright then, I'm going to suck some oxygen, if that what I need now, thank you again Mrs. Kimble I make sure it won't happen again", she smiled at me and walked me to the door by waving me and wishing me best wishes, yeah right like that could help now.
How could he not he tell me that he's staying, it seems so clear now, the reason that he was upset, but why was he upset? He never wanted to leave, didn't he?
Only now it hit me, why he hated when I stuck my nose to his business, he didn’t want me to know about his life, he didn't want me to care, he didn’t want me to be part of it. I was a total stranger to him, he doesn’t even know me, and now that total stranger wants to know about him and ask for private information he just don’t want to share, it seems so reasonable now, it made sense. How couldn’t I figure that out earlier? If I were in his shoes I would have done the same, I think that I even would not say anything to that person unlike him. That's strange to call myself a person, because that's what I was. One tiny person who has been selfish enough to make those ridiculous demands from that nice person I really cared for.
What I didn’t notice is that Danny was with me all along, he's such a true friend, I suddenly felt the urge to hug him, he's always there for me, and I was not that kind towards him, I don’t deserve having him as a best friend.
"Danny I'm so sorry for you seeing me like that, I really didn’t mean that to happen, I'm the one to blame I forgot as well that you were that in the nurse's room, gosh I'm such an awful friend, will you forgive me?", Danny always looked at me with not a bit of pity, he always kind of understand me, and then he give me the teddy bear hug I needed for so long, I hugged him back as wholeheartedly as I could. He smiled at me; he knew that it's the only thing that makes me feel better. He knew me so well.
"Rose I know you get emotional about guys at times, but it never has been like that before, you get some serious vibe from that guy don’t you"?, I giggled at the word vibe," I guess you can call it a vibe, I've never felt like that, it's like Chloe and Jimmy, Chloe always knew that Jimmy was the one, I think I feel something similar, I never sensed such a feeling before, it's a whole new world I've to learn and experience, step by step. You see the problem is that I don’t know why do I even like him, I barely know him, he is so mysterious and yet charming, he fascinates me, I want to get to know him as a person, I am not even in the romantic stage yet", it hit me again, Danny is a boy it must disgust him hearing it from me, I discuss boys like he was a girl, it was inappropriate even though he was my best friend, I shouldn't have crossed the line. "Aw I'm sorry I did that again, you should charge me by dollar every time I do it, I promise you'll be a very wealthy man in no time". Danny just stared at me, with this meaningful look, the kind of look that says thousands of words, and he answered me "No worries Rose, you had to spill it, I understand, I'm sure you feel a lot better now, when you said all these stuff that bothered you, I've gotten used to those stuff, I want to listen, I'm your friend, I'm always there when you need me, even though I can't help you that much in that area, but I can listen. I know it works like magic with you every time." He's such a bright spirit this young man, so young yet so wise, I wonder why doesn't he have a girlfriend? I'm sure that when he does, she's going to be the luckiest girl to have him.
I knew what I had to do. I said Danny that I have got to go, that I explain him the reason for my rush later. When I waved at him, I saw he was disappointed, and he had all the reasons to.
When I was back to where Josh sat, he looked at me and he understood, he knew I figured out, but he didn't show any signs. "Why did it take you so long? I'm like starving here, and you go take your time, did you tell me that you care about me? Your behavior doesn’t really show that, so you've to take that into consideration", I stood there paralyzed and the only words I could say, motionless, "There won't be next time".
He laughed at me, he thought I was joking, but he didn't know me at all, he was clueless, he didn’t know that when I get to the verge , I can be pretty serious. I threw the food at the floor, turned my back and walked away.
It was sick, the way I acted, the way he treated me back, like it was some kind of a joke, game. It didn't feel right. Love makes you blind, with that I agree, but I can't take the responsibility for hurting the one's I know and therefore I really care for, with my whole heart. I knew that Josh has taken over a big part of my heart. However, no matter what I won't let it to encounter with the others who makes me a complete human being. I heard him shout my name, I didn't care, I was pathetic, I knew it, and he thought that he can control me like some mannequin. I don’t know but for some reason there were moments I felt like he had real emotions towards me. I don’t know what was I thinking, now I feel that I'm getting to the closure, I showed him that I'm serious, and if I say something I'll do it thoroughly. If he feels the same way like I do, he is going to be the one to make that step forward, not me, I'm done. Now I've to take control of my life, and do the best to reconcile with my friends. When I walked towards the class, Danny shouted at me and pulled me back, I didn’t understand what's going on, I was so confused "Rose you can go home, remember? You've fainted and the nurse told you to go home, you cannot avoid the fact that you're not at your best right now. Go home and collect yourself up and I'll call you today, don’t worry everything is going to be ok", I looked at him, and for the first time after weeks I tried to ignore the burning ache in my throat, I started crying, silently, letting all my pain go away, I hugged him for the second time today, "Thank you for reminding me, I think I will go home right now, and I'm going to call you first, we should go out and do something fun today, I'm going to be ok", then he said "ok then, let's see who is going to be the one to call first, and I assure that it is going to be me without a doubt", I smiled and answered "you wish".
I wondered if I did the right thing. It always happen to me when I'm sure I do something right after some hours I always have second thoughts, that's a fact my mother hates about me. The problem is that I can't control it, it does bother me too.
While I was rolling the sequence of events that happened today, my cellular rang. "Hey I told you that I'm going to call you first", it was Danny, "Oh sorry, it's a good thing you called me, I really need to go out to breathe some fresh air, when do you want me to come by your house, at 8 sharp perhaps?",it took him some moments to answer, it seemed like he wasn’t sure " oh ok so I'll see you then", "awesome we are going to do some fun stuff I promise" I said, " oh that sounds promising, ok so I guess I see you later on, bye".